the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
