3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
