can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Randomize
