you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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