Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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