I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
