We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
