I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Randomize
