why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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