Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
