she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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