The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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