If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
