final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
