Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
