The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
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