After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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