overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
