ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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