I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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