I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
my liver is dry heaving
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
