I must be too annoying 4 u.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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