don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
