My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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