I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
