New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
