Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
