What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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