I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
