My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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