Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
