im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
It was like giving head to a cactus.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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