I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
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I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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