is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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