I saw his package. It spoke to me.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Randomize
