Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
