So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
