I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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