My liver just broke up with me...
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
We need to get me chipped asap
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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