I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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