I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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