as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
