Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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