i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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