I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
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He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
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She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
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