I wish I could teleport
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
