Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Randomize
