He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
