no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize