Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
well you can't waste a boner
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
