He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
