I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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