awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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