At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
