I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
