Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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