Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
