these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
i came on her dog
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
