I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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