Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
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