her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
