my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
